My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
