I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The air was thick with penises
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
