I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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