I faked an abortion last night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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