I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
