How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
