Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
