My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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