I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
