in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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