Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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