if you like me you must not know who I am
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
