I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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