So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
