you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your penis caused this!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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