Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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