if you like me you must not know who I am
just come out here and I will go home with you...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
not ubering you a puppy
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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