my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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