Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
