I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
