im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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