I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
