I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
