I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
