Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
