I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
