Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
