break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
