i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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