What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.