The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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