I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
