she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
