so explain again why im purple
no
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
