i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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