i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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