I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
