How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
