the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
