I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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