This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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