the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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