his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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