well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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