So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
