he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
