I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
