I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
