After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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