I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
