He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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