You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
