Your dad touched me again.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
