who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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